The Living Word: I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the
gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call
to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not
consumed, for his compassions never fail. Lamentations 3:19-22
The Word in Motion:
Little did I know how long this detour was going to be.
As I entered the conference room that Sunday morning, the only thing I could think of was that God had called me for a purpose. He had me in the palm of His hand. “Be at rest, Cindy, and trust Me in the fire.” The conference was amazing but by the end of the day all my symptoms had increased in intensity. It is hard to explain the pain I was in. On Monday morning, I could barely walk the pain was so intense. My ankles and feet were so swollen. The rash was unbearable. Every joint in my body hurt. My husband said, “That’s it, we are going to the doctor.” We went to the doctor and he wasn’t even sure what was going on. His first thought was that it was an allergic reaction to something. So the blood tests began. My doctor gave me every kind of blood test he could think of. He even called infectious disease to see if there was anything that they thought I should do. When he exhausted his thoughts, he sent me to dermatology about the rash and granulomas that were growing on my hands and feet. The dermatologist did a biopsy and checked out the rash. It was not skin cancer, praise God. She called it erythema nodosome. She then referred me to rheumatology. Rheumatology checked out the swelling of the joints and the rash, it was not rheumatoid arthritis, but my inflammation markers were extremely high. He wanted to start me on prednisone. This is where I said “No.” I knew the side effects and the risks with diabetes. I wanted to know what was going on before I threw meds at it. He did agreed with the dermatologist that the rash was erythema nodosome. He wasn’t exactly sure what the swelling was though. So, he sent me home saying it may go away on its own. He told me to keep taking the Ibuprofen every 6 hours for pain and to touch base with him if my symptoms got any worse.
This journey wasn’t just a detour. It also had a giant stop sign. I was now in a position that I couldn’t walk or get up on my own. I had to have my husband and boys lift me from the couch or my bed to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t even use my hands. No cooking, cleaning, typing, writing, I couldn’t even crochet. It was pitiful. The swelling, the granulomas and the pain made it impossible to do things on my own. I was not eating much and losing weight fast. All of these things concerned us and the doctors, but no one knew what was going on.
The strange thing during this time (2 long months) was… I wasn’t afraid. I was in pain and frustrated with my body -- but not afraid. I knew God was there with me. I was sure He was the flagger on the road saying, “take this detour.” Does this mean I was at peace and calm? No, this was one of the hardest and most painful times in my life. It was rough on my family, also. It was also a very lonely time. How do you explain to people what is wrong when you don’t even know? People would ask me, “Well, God must be speaking to you during this time then. What is He revealing to you? Anything profound?” I was not hearing anything profound. It was just quiet. Quiet BUT not silent. I knew He was there. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me!” Psalm 23.
I had this profound sense of peace. Yes, I would get emotional and, at times, even angry, but my spirit and my mind were assured of God’s purpose in all of this.
You know how you desire to come to a place where you just trust and not fear? But, normally when things happen you go to the worry and complaining stage instead, even though you really want to arrive at that place of trust. Well, this is what I was experiencing: that place of trust. Kind of the calm in the eye of the storm.
Then the severe coughing started and I was having a very hard time breathing. I had pressure on my chest that felt like a weight pressing down on me to smother me. This time I got sent to Pulmonology.
The detour has now turned into a gravel road with pot holes and sharp turns. It is getting a lot harder to navigate and I don’t know if I want to be on it anymore. I just want to go home.
What now God? What is wrong with me?
More to follow: look for Part 3